


static when i close my eyes

by orphan_account



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Gen, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 08:37:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18634624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: the choice steve made maybe wasn't fair, or satisfactory, or right. but choices must be lived with, and endings must be moved on from, the best that we can.-One in fourteen million and the stars have aligned for them; they end the day talking to an old, old man until the sun goes down, and even after that.





	static when i close my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> -endgame spoilers, if that wasn't obvious!

One in fourteen million and the stars have aligned for them; they end the day talking to an old, old man until the sun goes down, and even after that.

Bucky has come to rest on the ground on Steve’s other side, and so they flank him, as they did in the first battle, which for them was barely yesterday, and for Banner, gone home now, a full five years, and for the man himself was lifetimes ago. Sam only barely remembers how it felt, a body collapsing in on itself, a notable absence of pain and instead a pervasive kind of grief, of pity, until all you are is dust on wind. Even the warped half-remembering blows gooseflesh across his skin in the cold of the evening.

He’s fallen largely silent, now, and instead Bucky fills the quiet air with old stories, words that lost their meaning long before Sam was born. It’s the most he’s ever heard Barnes say, and his voice cracks with it, the weight of words branching a century. They are all of them broken tonight, although only Steve looks the part, but of course his healing is far in the past, and theirs yet to come ahead of them. Sam thinks of how flat, how unsurprised Bucky’s voice is, and sees it as a peculiar kind of mourning. He thinks Barnes probably knew what Steve would do before Steve did, and he thinks that he himself does not know either of them as well as he thinks he does.

Steve has told them of universe he made. A kinder universe, wherein Hydra was smothered in its crib, wherein Howard Stark took his final breath at ninety-four, stubborn old bastard. Where a Bucky Barnes, free and happy now and forever, has held the shield, where a Steve Rogers watches the world he has made with his wife by his side, and they dance under the stars. There’s more, and the tales are happy and melancholy, but Sam understands the gist of it. Steve is here with help from his own Tony Stark, whose back is not cowed by the weight of the universe, and he is here as a tribute, an apology, and a prayer, but to a world that isn’t his own, anymore, that maybe never really was.

It’s bittersweet, it’s unsatisfactory, and through the sweet haze of peace, of victory, it leaves a sour taste in Sam’s mouth. He meets Bucky’s eyes in a frown Steve can’t see, maybe would never have been able to see. Barnes isn’t in the habit of wearing his heart on his sleeve- in his business that would’ve gotten you stabbed in it- but Sam detects a similar dissatisfaction emanating off of him all the same.

He realises, by and by, that every silvery string of spellthread and memory, every scar and promise, it all lies cut between them. Barnes talks to the old man the way you’d talk to an old friend, fair enough, but it is coming from a stranger. This Cap chose his own Bucky, a world away, a less fucked up, brand-new, shiny edition, and it’s all there in Barnes’ face if you know how to look. Which, of course, Steve doesn’t, not anymore.

Thinking back, Sam realises this is the first time Cap hasn’t chosen Bucky, above everything. The end of their line lies severed in the dust. For the first time, he is angry.

He does not show his anger. How could he? The choice they are still reeling from was eternities ago.

The mechanism on Steve’s lined wrist beeps at him. When he looks up at them, there’s sorrow in his eyes, but not enough sorrow to stay.

“My friends,” he says, old and creaky, “you’re gonna do great things.”

“Get gone with you, old man,” says Bucky, and Sam wonders at how Steve doesn’t see the cracks showing.

He goes.

They sit there and watch the water for a very long time. Movement from here on out seems an impossibility- there’s no driving force, not anymore.

“That’s that, I guess.” says Bucky. He looks very small, hulking metal arm and all.

“You know, I think that was the most I’ve heard you speak _ever_.”

Bucky shrugs. Sam notes he uses the metal shoulder as well. He shouldn’t get used to the talking, then.

“What’re you gonna do?” he says, to say something. The shield is awfully heavy where it rests against his leg.

Another shrug, the faint sound of whirring metal. “Not sure. Wakanda would take me back. But… I don’t know. This far I’ve always kind of been defined by Captain America.”

A beat. “If you’re asking to sleep on my couch, Barnes, I swear to God-”

Bucky laughs, full-bodied, and it’s far more genuine than anything he said when Steve was here.

“I really dunno. It’s been five years and Steve is gone. I'm not sure how much there is left for me.”

Sam pauses. “I don’t know if you remember, bud, but I used to be in the therapy business. When folks gave me that line I usually told them they better start making something, then.”

Bucky snorts again, and Sam wonders at what point he started counting that as a victory. Probably around when he realised that winning had been subjective all along.

“Always gonna be people who need saving, right? It’s probably for the best- only thing I was ever good at was a shootout, anyways.”

“It’s a start,” Sam says, and means it.

**Author's Note:**

> -i honestly might delete this later i'm not sure- i'm usually more of a dc gal, but leaving the theatre what steve did really didn't sit right with me, and i needed to express that. i hope it resonates with you guys!!
> 
> -if you enjoyed, consider buying me a coffee @ buymeacoff.ee/lo4e5p1HC ? thank you for reading!!


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